Thursday, April 25, 2013

The Untold Story

Dear Shawn,

How are you my dear friend? How long has it been since I last posted here? I guess time is fleeting I never realized it’s been way to long.  A lot of things had happened to me, friends come and go but still I feel trapped and the same. Funny, I sometimes feel oblivious that another year has passed. I don’t know how and where to start telling you of the things that had happened to me because somehow I feel it’s still the same.
  I guess I’ll start by telling you the untold stories…. It’s raining here right now and the sounds of the dripping rain keep resounding continuously inside my head. Memories started flooding in…. this post will be long but I wanted to get back with those lost time. And I’ll be sharing with you all those untold stories of the past for you to better understand me … Ohhhh before I forgot I got myself a new puppy and she keeps me company tonight =) she is very adorable and I love her so much…..

Excerpt 1 – The Childhood Dreams

I remember when I was a little girl I used to dream of becoming a princess and meet my own prince charming. But I am no way a princess. I guess I was always that skinny, shy girl who always live in her own make believe world. I always feel insecure over those I find beautiful and rich. I did not come from a rich family and to have those pretty clothes and toys always ends up just a dream.  I often pity myself and my family. I remember telling my self that when I grow up I will give my parents everything they want and they need.. This truly saddens me ‘coz it never happened because of just one stupid choice!

Excerpt 2 – the High school

My highschool life is pretty normal I guess despite the fact that I am the timid type; I did not end up being classified as the nerd. I belong to the popular group those they call the cheerleaders and the jocks…. They say everything begins in Highschool …. Love and reality of life but this doesn't appeal to me at all.  I never had a boyfriend despite the urges of my peers but I couldn't find a place in my heart to feel for one.  I keep living in fantasy, drooling over celebrities although there is this one guy I set my heart on – but he just remains a vivid dream for me. A dream I would never attain.  But I did love him for 3 years.. yes 3 years of unrequited love. Because to him I am invisible and I have this fear I would never pass his standard. So the dream and fantasy about him went on for 3 long years.. 3 years of unrequited love.

  Come senior year and I fall in-love with this guy from school. At first it all started as forcing my feeling to like him just to get over my unrequited love and then eventually the feelings went deep. Until, I learn to truly love him. I wanted to keep that feelings hidden. But Higschool secrets will never remain a secret once you told your friends. To make this short he courted me but i turn him down... he got hurt... he wen't away... I realized i was wrong... I was too late he fell in-love with another girl... I graduated in highschool full of regrets and with an empty lonely heart... My first ever heart ache.... stupid i am right?

                       to be continued..... Untold Story Part 2 the tertiary-working days

Thursday, February 23, 2012

The Book of Tragedy (The Confession)

Dear Shawn,

With all the humiliation and pain he’d put me through, it’s amazing how I am still able to stand. I guess I am used to the pain already. If I were to write a book about my life it would probably be labeled as tragedy. I guess I am just daft for still bearing all the anguish and shame. I cannot even find the literal word to describe myself. Though I have some words already listed in side my brain masochist, dim-witted etc. etc. etc. Though it’s clear enough that he doesn’t care about me or our future.

But the truth my friend I am getting feeble, I could no longer stand the ignominy. I started to shrink every time I get stares from people. Thinking that they pity me or maybe hate me, it’s all because of this one insensitive guy.

I miss you shawn. wish you are here

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Dear Agony By Breaking Benjamin

This song is dedicated to the one who makes me suffer. I always call him agony. The lyrics are the same things that i wanted to tell him but he refuse to hear

Dear Agony lyrics
Songwriters: Burnley, Benjamin;

I have nothing left to give
I have found a perfect end
You were made to make it hurt
Disappear into the dirt

Carry me to heaven's arms
Light the way and let me go
Take the time to take my breath
I will end where I began

And I will find the enemy within
'Cause I can feel it crawl beneath my skin

Dear agony, just let go of me
Suffer slowly, is this the way it's got to be, dear agony?

Suddenly the lights go out
Let forever drag me down
I will fight for one last breath
I will fight until the end

And I will find the enemy within
'Cause I can feel it crawl beneath my skin

Dear agony, just let go of me
Suffer slowly, is this the way it's got to be?
Don't bury me, faceless enemy
I'm so sorry, is this the way it's got to be, dear agony?

Leave me alone, God, let me go
All blue and cold, black sky will burn
Love, pull me down, hate, lift me up
Just turn around, there's nothing left

Somewhere far beyond this world
I feel nothing anymore

Dear agony, just let go of me
Suffer slowly, is this the way it's got to be?
Don't bury me faceless enemy
I'm so sorry, is this the way it's got to be, Dear agony?

I feel nothing anymore

Jar of Hearts

Tears would eventually fade

5:08 PM

I am hiding in my room trying to hold back the tears. Today is a dragged for me. I didn't sleep well last night. The fear kept creeping in my body just like death trying to choke me slowly. A little noise makes me paranoid. I feel so nervous. Screams keep repeating inside my head,i feel like going i'm going crazy. And today as i'm hiding inside my room i am trying to think how i messed up my life. I have so much for me if only he'd leave me. I wanted to end this but i know it won't be easy.. I look myself in the mirror and i saw a face full of remorse and misery.

And today i fear he'll be here in a minute drunk again and he'll look for trouble again. I don't know if i can take another pain. Sometime i wanted to just pull a knife and slash my neck. I see death like the only way to regain serenity. i feel like living in hell on earth. Too many fears kept playing in my head. Fear of what he might do again. I keep wishing to GOd to answer my flea. Im so desperate. Do i really deserve this?

Tears would eventually fade and someday everything will be exactly how it's suppose to be. Someday ill wise up and he'll regret everything he did to me. I wanted him to feel the pain im feeling right now. the feeling to be consumed with fear.. I hate him shawn =(

Saturday, January 14, 2012

That Same Old Misery

07:04 PM

Dear Shawn,

They say that destiny works in mysterious ways but for me its never mysterious rather it's miserable. True - that silence is a girl's loudest cry. Everyday i have to face these ordeal, keeping it to my self hiding it from the rest of the world. Nobody knows what's life like for me. I keep hiding the hurt because i know people would never understand me. I'm hiding the hurt because i don't want to inflict them with my pain. But often time at night i would cry not because i can no longer carry the pain but because i am so tired to be strong... You may say i could end it with him if i wanted to. Believe me i tried and the more i try to ask him for my freedom the more he makes me suffer. It only reminds him of what i did to him. It's so unfair when he keep using the mistakes i made as an excuse to make me suffer. He would always refuse to see beyond the reason why i did that to him. You know the reason - i grew tired of his ways, i am so fed up of all his abuse. He don't hurt me physically but the mental and the emotional pain he gave me is so excruciating that i sometimes wish to kill myself to end it all. If that is the only way to pay him of what i did to him.

Tonight he is drunk... so drunk that he is already deaf. He won;t listen and I'm trembling because i know him. He would find every possible reason to cause trouble.. And i know my parents would hate me again for all the humiliation i'm giving them. Oh shawn.. i wish i could go somewhere.. Somewhere i could be alone. you know i always dream of that place. That place where i don'y have to be frightened, sad or feel humiliated..... If only i had the time machine. If only i could rewind or delete the chapter where i know him....

Your same old Misery


Wednesday, January 4, 2012

2012 a Drag

Dear Shawn,

Happy New year!!! But i can't consider mine as blissful.. Things are so fucked up! not what i expected for my 2012. Every 31st of Dec. i would wish while watching the fire works that the next year will be fulfilling, blissful so on and on. But, i guess it's just a dream. a fabrication of my stupid mind! =(( i hate everything Shawn.. everything just keep falling apart..But guess what people and a certain company ordered from my store. I always hope that this would be the birth of an empire i always dream. But =( i dunno. it scares me. I don't know if ill be able to achieve it? what do you think shawn? wish you are here.. I miss you truly miss you... =( i love you my shawn..